Random (usually depressing) bullshit
So of course happiness for me is always minute

once again, im back to adding more horrible shit to my list of 2011… 2010 was “our year” and yet 2011 just seems to be the worst… now my mom is in detox and gana start going to rehab, im back to not sleeping till 4 in the morning, i still suffer from my own vices, im getting fatter by the fucking day.. my testicle hurts more than ever, and no sign of getting any help any time soon :/ my life is complete shit i wish it would just end

2011 when will it end?

i just wish this horrible year would end, now to add to it my mom confesses to me shes still doing drugs… that shes never stopped once she got out of the program 6 or 8 years ago… i cant believe how much shit i have to go through this year, and all of it day by fucking day ALONE!! not a single fucking shoulder to cry on. i dont think its possible to cry any more..

Sitting in at the doctors office.

So today is October 18th 2011, and on monday the 10th i went to the emergency room, because after months of having my left testicle hurt and got bigger and bigger. so while i was there they gave me a shot of antibodic in the ass which hurt like a mother fucker!! soo they scared me and told me it was possible to be am STI (sexually transmitted infection) and I was like fuck, that would suck haha little did i know it was ganna be worse than that. so they gave me an ultrasound and DAYUM!! that was weird!!! the guy squirted this liquid on to my balls and they instantly got hot it was very weird. then he did the ultrasound, towards the end he made it audible, it was really weird! when he was on the right one (the good one) it sounded like it was a normal beating with blood flowing how it should be. but when he did it to the left one (the bad one) it sounded like it was screaming or scratching very hard to describe but you could just hear something wasnt right. soo after sitting in the doctors office for a while, he came in a sat down to tell me what was wrong. and never in a million years would i ever have thought i would hear the words that came out of his mouth. “you have a mass in your left testicle that i believe is cancerous” it was just one of those moments you see on tv.. i didnt cry it was just a shock, my mom was on the verge of tears. afterward she tried not to ccry and i made some jokes to keep her laughing but it wasnt enough i know she went out side to cry. the nurse came back and drew blood and that was it. we came home told mercy and she didnt take it well. she sad down and wanted to cry. but shes under the impression that its terminal. but since then its been hell. mercy is being super nice and its annoying.. and my mom is stressing out too much

2011 still is getting worse…

to think that losing the girl that has ever ment the most to me, leaving. isn’t the worst part about my year now… its the fact that i have testicular cancer! like seriously!? wtf… what do i do to deserve all of this, am i destined to have horrible shit happen to me all of my life? FUCK! and all i want in life is to fucking have a nice normal life with a wife and kids but that looks like it will never happen…

and to think i just want to be held in loving arms 

FUCK YEA!!! suicide girl with FF tattoos!!

FUCK YEA!!! suicide girl with FF tattoos!!

my cuban bracelet and my butterfly.. the butterfly is this cool idea to support/help cutters and get them to stop cutting, the concept is you draw a butterfly on your wrist and you name it after a friend or relative that means alot to you.. and you are to let it fade naturally or keep drawing it on… but your not allowed to cut it or you kill the butterfly and the person it was named after… its very childish, but it does have a strong and meaningful connection to me,tho ive never done it myself, ive had friends in the past that have cut themselves and ive never liked it.  this is for someone that will always be held close to my heart in hopes that they dont cut anymore. if you click on the picture it will take you to the facebook event

my cuban bracelet and my butterfly.. the butterfly is this cool idea to support/help cutters and get them to stop cutting, the concept is you draw a butterfly on your wrist and you name it after a friend or relative that means alot to you.. and you are to let it fade naturally or keep drawing it on… but your not allowed to cut it or you kill the butterfly and the person it was named after… its very childish, but it does have a strong and meaningful connection to me,tho ive never done it myself, ive had friends in the past that have cut themselves and ive never liked it.  this is for someone that will always be held close to my heart in hopes that they dont cut anymore. if you click on the picture it will take you to the facebook event

2011 UPDATE

well it seems like my fucking life is turning around! ive managed to be happy for a good 2 weeks straight.. hung out with alot of my friends. shit that should/would normally piss me off doesnt at all becuz at the end of the night, i have ppl i know care about me. normally being at home doing nothing on any given day, i would get sad or emo and depressed.. but lately they are nice.. they are days to rest and catch up with ppl. days to sleep in, cuddle (with my choco-cat of course) and watch a movie.

i hopefully might even get a job at subway, working with 2 friends of mine what an awesome fuck coincedence. it actually makes me look forward to applying and wanting to work sooo hoefully i get the job. that way i can pay my court fees and get my court shit in order and get my licence back in january!! and with the money from working i can get my phone back on.. on my way back up!!

CHYEA!! oye chico! YDG? 

::captions when click on photo::

I dont ever want to forget this part of my life… ive made a complet 360 degree recovery and i couldnt ask for better friends. thanks alot guys you’ve gotten me through sooo fucking much. another toast to the friends we’ve made and the success that we’ve brought each other

Scars lyrics (wow too meaningful now)

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I’m pissed cause you came around
Why don’t you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can’t help you fix yourself
You’re making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn’t ever come around
Why don’t you just go home?
Cause you’re drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
But you didn’t understand
Go fix yourself

I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

glad its possible

my heart can still beat!!